ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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