no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A bitchslap is in order.
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