I can't watch pbs sober anymore
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
