TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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