just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
