She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
