Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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