Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
