This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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