Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
