Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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