i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
