I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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