just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
