i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
