my room smells like sperm. sweet.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
