im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I looked at my own cervix.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
