a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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