yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
