I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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