Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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