I wish I could punch you in the face.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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