you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
