I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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