Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
