Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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