Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
3pm strippers are depressing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
