my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I could fuck to npr.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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