Got a toothbrush?
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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