omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
