His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
