i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
whose ass print is on the piano?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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