Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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