Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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