break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
