I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
