how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
