My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
