As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
