My friends, they love my intelligence
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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