I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
