I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Houston, we have a blender
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
