Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize
