just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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