Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
