I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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