I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
