do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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