I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
