I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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