If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
