All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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