Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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