well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
