Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
