Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
